The Kpako’s Guide to Life as a Short Person

Disclaimer: No short person was harmed in the making of this guide.

Being short is often equated to being born a Nigerian. There’s nothing you can do, you’re already disadvantaged from the get-go.

Some might ask, why is a tall person (6'6, for those asking) writing about the struggles of being a short person? and my answer is first of all, mind your business. Secondly, who better to tell the struggles of eskimos than a friend of eskimos?

Short people face a lot of challenges in everyday life that are not spoken about enough. I enlisted my friend, Chiderah, who might or might not be 5'3, to help with this wonderful guide on how to survive life as a shekube and here it is!

1. Buy A Belt

Whether it’s to time or to the long strides of their tall friends, short people are always trying to catch up. Their short legs can only do so much.

To avoid this as a short folk, you can wear a belt around your waist and let your tall friends drag you around or strap you to their backs. You’ll never miss another bus, I can promise you that.

2. Find A Crown of Thorns

As a short person, everywhere you go. People always want to rub and pat your head. What do they even mean by that? Are they trying to tell you that you are as tall as a 5-year-old?

My advice to you is you’d be better off wearing a Crown of Thorns. Let’s see who’ll try to rub your big head then. Don’t be afraid of the thorns, they won’t hurt you, even Jesus still wears one.

3. Rethink Your Career Choices

If you’re short, start considering what careers would compliment your height. As a short guy, forget about the military. Why are you even thinking about the military? Some of their weapons are about your height.

Focus on careers that’ll accentuate your height like comedy and magic assistance. I mean, look at Kevin Hart. All you need to do is stand on the stage beside a tall person and the crowd will go wild.

4. Train Your Neck and Shoulders

As soon as you realise you’ve stopped growing and there’s no hope for you anymore, you should start doing a lot of neck and shoulder exercises.

For your neck, you’d probably spend the rest of your life looking up to others, even your own children. Your shoulders will also serve as a personal armrest for tall people so you should start working on them early enough. Nobody likes a weak armrest.

5. Avoid Standing Concerts

Whenever you’re going to concerts, always remember, forward ever, backward never. The only way you’d see the stage is to be as close to it as possible.

If you stay at the back, you might end up staring at random backs and butts all night.

Better still, you can ask your tall friends to lift you on their shoulders. This is the best way to attend concerts. I’m sure they won’t complain, afterall, we rise by lifting others.

6. Be Careful of Car Mirrors & Door Handles

As a vertically challenged individual, you always have to be weary about car mirrors and door handles. You don’t want them to hit you in the face now do you?

The best thing you can do as a short person is get a tall person that can help you go through life as smoothly as possible because to be fair, the shelves are stacked against you. If not for yourself, do it for the world, we already have a plague of people who can’t pick things from the top of a cupboard.

P.S. If you think the world is beautiful from down there, imagine how it feels from up here?

You can read my guide for tall people here