The Kpako’s Guide to Surviving Benin City
Photo Credit: Princess Audu’s Blog
*Disclaimer: I really really love Benin, I spent 5 years there and I enjoyed it thoroughly. It is a great place to live. I was bored during the lockdown and I scribbled this in my notes so I decided to just leave it here instead.
Benin City is known for many things, it’s red sand, UNIBEN (read Ekosodin), and ugly governors.
But if you really want to enjoy the place, you might need to memorise this guide to surviving the ancient city.
1. Don’t Get Angry
As weird as it sounds, you shouldn’t get angry in public. Even if it’s a 5 year old, you don’t know what’s backing that child. It could be Ogun, Ayelala or 10 hefty men. Always resist the urge to shout as it might be an invitation to chop slap or lose your destiny.
2. Always Greet Your Elders
As shocking as it sounds, not greeting your elders in Benin can subscribe you to an infinite plan of generational curses. You must greet all elders, and for haggard looking ones, you must greet them thrice.
3. Check Your Pockets Regularly
Checking your pockets without drawing attention is a skill you need to develop especially when you’re in Ring Road. If you don’t, you’ll find yourself inside a bus with no wallet, no phone, they might even take you with them. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
4. Avoid Upper Sakponba
In Benin, there’s a saying that goes, "Once e red for Upper, e don red everywhere." If you’re in Upper Sakponba when a fight breaks out, just know you’re in a warzone. Declare a personal state of emergency and hide for minimum of 3 working days. If you run, you might wake up inside a hospital or outside your body depending on how much Jesus loves you.
5. Be Home Before 8
This is not a joking matter. Once it’s 8, Benin shuts down and the men of the night take the show. If you’re outside the house after 8, anything you see, take it like that.
6. Pay A Visit to Kada
You can’t tell me you’ve been to Benin if you didn’t visit Kada Cinemas and Kada Fried Chicken. Kada is where everybody in Benin has gone to at least twice. If you’re lucky, you might see one or 2 people falling from the escalator.
7. 7th of July (Bonus)
The seventh day of July is reserved for some special men. Even UNIBEN cancels exams on that day to pay reverence to the men in yellow. Avoid every urge to wear colours synonymous to Borussia Dortmund’s Jersey and Cristiano Ronaldo’s number except you’re interested in a violent sendforth and an unexpected face to face with your creator.
